I’m still having trouble letting go. My codependent just lashed out once again because they’re having medical problems. They asked me to complete a chore. I said I would do it (it needed to be finished by the morning). They wanted it to be done immediately. Feeling no rush to do so and not wanting to do it at that moment, I said no. The lashing began.

 I could tell by their tone that they were distressed and instantly I had flashes to old emotions to my childhood. Sudden spike in anxiety, face flushed - I looked over and I knew I was going to get a snide remark and be held responsible for my codependents emotions. Lo and behold my codependent says “you’re just trying to get a rise out of me by not doing it, if my shoulder wasn’t hurting so much I would just do it myself”. I told my codependent that I’m not the reason why their mad, that they’re only making him/herself mad because whatever needs to be done will be done by morning.

And so the war of passive-aggression began. My codependent walked upstairs and slammed the bedroom door. What I found particularly disturbing were the triggers throughout the whole situation. A minute or two after their door was slammed, I heard stomping and the door swung open. I felt immediate panic (which I did not show), I knew that they were coming back for round 2. It was so common in my childhood that I could almost time it, it was pathetic.

Long story short, this went on for quite a while. The rude comments back and fourth and as much as I tried I couldn’t bring myself to rise above. I have (what I believe to be) a burning hatred for this person. Full-blown resentment toward them. I think a big problem here is living with them. I hate the circumstances that I am in, but I feel like the possibility of me leaving them is not great. I feel like it would be a war if I were to say that I am leaving because they would cling-on for dear life (I always imagine being clawed at as I’m trying to walk away). I hate this place, I hate everyone in it. I no longer care what implications my behaviour causes. I just want to do what’s right for me and I don’t want to have to worry about taking care of anyone else. I don’t want to do anything for anyone.

This is not me being lazy or grateful, I’m simply finished with the relationship as it stands. Until I can find a healthy way to function in the environment I am in, I will leave. If I can’t leave (due to my persona financial reasons: loans, car payments, limited wage), I will withdraw/retreat emotionally and spiritually until I can figure out a better plan.

Hello darkness, my old friend, enjoy your time here while you can. I promise it will not last forever.