I have read through eight chapters of Melody Beattie’s book. When I first started it, I was surprised at how easy her writing was to follow compared to other literature. I figured that I could blow through the book in a few sittings…

that was not the case.

I quickly learned that I needed to slow down. I’ve been so eager to tackle my Codependency issue/condition/feelings that I allowed myself to feel whatever I wanted  which sparked fear and hopelessness. The more I read, the greater the anxiety levels. Toward the end of January I started to feel frustrated with the lack of progress. I wanted to feel better but I wasn’t able to connect with myself and reach my goals, I felt angry and (obviously) more distant.

I realized after a few days break that the literature itself has many triggers that flared up and generated a lot of hostility. It brewed so much inner turmoil that I was unable to let go and see a bigger picture.

Don’t get me wrong - Beattie’s work is truly a phenomenal resource in coping with Codependency. It’s simply that I’ve ripped off this bandage so quickly that I’ve exposed an open wound.

I’ve found that certain aspects of this recovery process have come easier than others. A few things that I believe I’m practicing quite successfully:

- identifying negative thoughts that create my negative emotions

- recognizing mood distortions (ie. mind-reading, overgeneralizations, mental filters)

- responding to these distortions with rational thinking and positive thought

- writing down my thoughts in a constructive way (without any labels, curse words, or jargon)

- letting go: this is a biggie. I never thought I’d be capable of letting go of controlling  others. It actually turned out to be easier than I thought. Once I recognized when I was saying/doing certain things to elicit a reaction in other people, I wanted to stop. I wanted to feel freedom of thinking about what I want for myself. When I started to support myself and control my bad habits, controlling other people seemed tiresome. (I haven’t completely formulated my opinion on control nor do I think I’ve completely rid myself of controlling tendencies, there’s more exploration needed here)

While I’ve given myself a big hug for my accomplishments, I’m finding quite a few things to be a challenge:

- accepting the severity of my codependent nature: i believe this to be the route cause of my anxiety when reading literature.

- escaping feelings of being victimized by my dependent

- regaining control over my emotions in hostile environments

- distinguishing between ‘care-taking’ and ‘caring’

- self-esteem: feeling worthy of love, asserting my needs without guilt

While I’m sure there are other behaviours I struggle with, these are the top four that are on my radar. I’d like to tell you more about my treatment methods that involve natural healing, Reiki treatment, and a readjustments of my standards and expectations. I will put together some more research and return when I can.

Before I go, I just wanted to say that I’m not always miserable. Some days I’m really happy, I feel light-hearted, I smile, and I feel okay. That doesn’t mean I’m not hurting, I just find ways to feel good throughout the day. I take it as a strong sign that I’m healing because now I can find ways. I can see light.