I learned today that the #1 goal of codependents that leads to crippling unhappiness is: the endless search for something outside themselves to make them happy. I believe that this is one of the major cognitive factors that triggered my depression. When I fail or I feel loss, I immediately assume that I will be unhappy with myself. I believe that without certain people, certain achievements, or certain grades that I am a less-worthy person.

As recently as this morning, I woke up and felt no desire to get myself out of bed. I thought to myself “no one boyfriend to talk to, no passionate job, no excitement planned for the day… I just don’t want to do anything”. Yet, all the things I desire are outside me. Things that I don’t need to be happy.

[I’ve read ^ over again and I think it’s pathetic that I need a boyfriend or work to be happy. I have an able body, a beating heart, and a strong mind. Anything more is a blessing, not a requirement]

I still find it mildly frustrating that I’m unable to find my happiness within. I keep hearing about this genuine happiness that people feel from within themselves and I’m unable to connect. Never did I think that I would heal and become a whole heartily connected person overnight, but I thought I would have made more progress by now. I thought I would feel happier. 

I wonder, how is it that people are happy? HOW? hobbies? I like writing… here I am writing about what I think what I feel. I still write in my journal, I do the cognitive mood exercises but how else can I make myself happy?