No more super dramatic feelings or emotions. It’s time to face the facts and realize that I probably have real feelings for him. After this Sunday, I felt so elated and I missed being that intimate with him.
Afterwards, though, I still questioned it. I wondered if I missed being intimate or missed it with him. But after so long, feeling the same intensity I felt before - I’d be lacking any sort of self-awareness if I continued to lie to myself.
So why did I lie? I think that when you know someone doesn’t want you, you know you don’t want to leave them but you don’t want to impose anything on them any further. We enjoy the company and the intimacy but recognize that there won’t be anything more. What happens, though, is that any other opportunity to be with someone else pales in comparison.
Part of it, as well, is that I don’t know what I would want. I don’t know what I can give. Maybe nothing? Possibly everything.
There are times too when I feel like he just needs support. At those acute stages I just want to be there. I want to provide support with no expectations. I think that’s why I really wanted to be a friend. It is important to me that no one feels like they need to repay me for support. It’s given with no expectations - I would feel so hurt and violated if I confided in someone about my struggles and they turned around and said “well I’ve been here for you, aren’t we together?”
I think this is why I don’t want to ever pursue something. It’s just not there. When the topic comes up, it feels so superficial. I don’t think I would ever express my feelings so casually which is why people often find me cold. I don’t want to say anything that I don’t mean so I become a little bit slower and a lot more careful. It’s different though. It’s different to be around him versus around other men.
Ultimately, I don’t want to think too much about this. There is greatness to be pursued in the form of social justice and advocacy that requires careful attention and vigilant self-directed education. I need to focus on my future, on my finances, and on my health.